I’m in love with a girl I’ve never met. What’s her name? I don’t know. What’s her sign? I don’t know. Where’s she from? I don’t know.
She might be a blonde of a redhead, but she’s probably a brunette. If she’s blonde; she’s tall, if she’s a red head; she’s average-ish, if she’s a brunette; she’s short. She might have hazel eyes or blue eyes, but they could be brown. She might have a few piercings, but she’s not a pincushion. She might have a few tattoos, but she’s not hidden under layers of ink. She has little to no facial hair, emphasis on the “none” part.
She could be Black, White, Asian, Native, Jewish, Latina or a combination of any or all of the above or anything not mentioned. She is not someone who would wear a white sheet over her head, unless she was going as a ghost on Halloween. She probably refrains from the disgusting habit of eating the flesh of dead animals but won’t mind the fact that I decided against becoming a vegetarian due solely on the fact that I love Mayonnaise way too much. Not that low-fat shit either, the artery clogging goodness kind.
She buys her clothes at thrift stores because she prefers clothes with personality to the soulless items found at Wal Mart and Zellers. She buys her music at a local store and hates HMV. She does not listen to whatever is popular that day; she listens to what moves her heart. Her musical tastes will be comparable to my own. She probably plays a stringed instrument and is not afraid to sing. She won’t mind the fact that I often sing, off-key and flat with more than just a little gusto.
She will like Dr Pepper and playing the odd video game. She will like watching cheesy crappy movies and making fun of them.
She might speak more than one language but she will speak English, not American. She will spell it “centre” and not “center.” She will spell it "humour" and not "humor." She will know who Sir John A. Macdonald was and she will be a conscientious voter. She will be pro human rights and gay marriage and will have a zero xenophobic content.
She will be quick to laugh and will have a clever wit and will tolerate my juvenile need to make a joke about every single last thing. She will like my friend(s) and will not try to come between us, ‘cos Rueben, for reals bro, I’d choose you.
If she has less than perfect eyesight she will not hesitate to wear glasses.
She will be a monogamist ‘cos I’m as far away from a hustler as a guy can be and I don't believe in polygamy, whether it be in the institute of marriage or out. She will be amazing between the sheets and will have had other boyfriends, but she will not talk about them all the damn time, as that would damage my fragile sense of manhoodliness. She will take my misogyny and she will cram it back down my throat and she will not put up with my stupid shit, but she will accept my excessive geek factor.
She will enjoy the odd drink but will not partake too excessively too often, because if you spend your reality in a fog you cheapen yourself and life itself.
She will of course be way smarter than I am and she will [not] be impressed that I am [not] a successful writer.
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